This is damn hilarious. I had to paste the full copy, but I did not write
this. The author's site is here.
The State of the Union - first draft
(Hey, Karl. Here’s the first draft of my “State of the Union” speech. I’ve put
some questions for ya in parenthisaurs. Let me know what you think. Best -W)
MY STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH by George W. Bush
Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, extreme members of Congress, ladies and
gentlemen, boys and girls and children of all ages.
As we boldly enter a new year of hurling before us, I’ve come before you to
tell you that Freedom is spreading like cancer in the Middle East, our economy
is even robustier than it was last year and, if we all work together in this
coming year, there will be countless more fish to fry, or bake if you’re
watching your cholesterol.
Tonight, with more and more Americans going back to work, with our nation an
active force for goodnicity in the world, the state of our union is truly
This past year, we have accomplished many things that no one expected and some
Our No Child Left Behind Act has not only increased our youngins’ ability to
read and do math, but we have decreased the student population dramatically,
nationwide. Now, when a child graduates high school, not only will he or she be
able to print his or her name tag while asking “Do you want fries with that?”
they’ll be able to add up the menu total.
The past year, we’ve reframed and totally regurgitated Medicare, creating
thousands of jobs in emergency room care.
We have added two million jobs in non-auto construction related fields.
We have plugged the holes of the bankruptcy dykes, who threatened to cheat
honest bankers and credit card employers out of their hard squandered cash.
We have tackled such hard questions as how frightened are you of Social
Security disappearing, how many hurricanes can FEMA handle and how fast can the
House pass a bill when no one is looking?
But we must not rest on our laureates.
The year ahead will present us with challenges both overseas, at home and
I’m going to remind you all that we’re living in hysteric times. The decisions
we make today will help shape the direction of events for years, even weeks, to
Now, recently, there has been a hornet’s nest of inflappatory (SP?) rhetoric
concerning my involvement with so called “domestic spying.” It’s true, I have
allowed NASA to spy on Americans but let me remind you of one important fact:
the world changed after 9/11.
Think about it. 9/10? You’re riding your bike whistling a happy tune. 9/12?
You’re scared stiff. In between? 9/11. Bingo.
If any of you don’t remember 9/11, we were attacked by a group of drooling
madmen who hate us for our freedoms, so I decided to lessen them.
And, if NASA can safely land people on the Moon, it can handle this finely.
Our “domestic spying” program isn’t. (Does that make sense, Karl?) It’s a
program devoted to “terrorist surveillance” or, as I call it, “terrorist
If al Qaeda is talking to you? E-mailing you? Sending you a candy-gram? I want
to know about it. This program only involves American citizens who are calling
known terrorists in another country or another state. We have a list of
terrorist groups we’re monitoring from al Qaeda to al PETA and al Quaker.
The terrorist tattler program is necessary to protect America from attacks
either within our own borders or even closer. Terrorists will use every
available weapon at their disposal, from dirty bombs to free speech, to break
the will of the American people. I vow I will never let that happen. That’s my
Some people say that I’ve broken the law. That’s not true. A President has
inherent authorities given to him by the Constitution. One of them is breaking
the law. I hope this puts an end to the issue.
Oh, yeah, I don’t know Jack Abramoff, either.
This year, I’m asking Congress to help me in passing bills that will help all
American people struggle.
We’re setting a goal of creating two million more jobs, some of them actually
in this country.
We will tackle affordable Health Care insurance the way we did Medicare. By
this time, next year, Americans will be dancing in the streets, unless they’re
too old or too sick.
We will help an additional 200,000 unemployed workers get training for a new
job. If you could build a Bronco, you can flip a burger. It’s the American way.
We should not be content with laws that punish hardworking people who want only
to provide for their families, and deny businesses willing workers, and invite
chaos at our border. It is time for an immigration policy that permits
temporary guest workers to fill jobs Americans will not take, like joining the
military. This will not apply to Canadians.
Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of our society, it
should not be re-defined by activist judges or odd people. For the good of
families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to
protect the institution of marriage as long as divorce is left out of the
As you all know, the world is facing a possible pandemonium of bird flu. As
your President, I vowel that no foreign birds will be allowed in this country
without having proper background checks done.
I’m also pleased to report that our ongoing War on Global Terror has had an
explosive effect on the world. After 9/11, and our world changed after 9/11, we
decided to go after the evil-doers and tackle Afghanistan. I’m proud to report
that Afghanistan is now a democracy, the Taliban has started it’s own political
party and that formerly vicious warlords are now elected officials. Plus, their
economy is booming thanks to farmers who grow flowers. From what I understand,
they’ve had a record year.
In Iraq, the Iraqis are standing up so we can sit it out. They now have their
own government, their own Constitution, their own problems.
Before the United States of America drove out the Butcherer of Baghdad, Iraq
was a country filled with mass graves. Today? There are no more mass graves,
just a whole bunch of little ones. Before the United States went to the aid of
our Iraqi brothers and sisters, Saddam brutalized his own people. Now that they
have their own elected government, Iraqis are free to brutalize each other as
they see fit.
(Karl, I think this is where we should introduce dead soldiers’ parents, wives
and kids. See if you can get one kid to bring a bunny. Bunnies are cute. Plus,
Easter is right around the corner.)
Democracy is on the march in the Middle East, with more and more people
choosing ballots over bullets or, sometimes, both.
As you know, even in Palestinia, there were free elections. And, if not free,
relatively cheap. We look forward to working with the Humus Party in reaching a
peaceful settlement of the Israeli-Palestinian problem as soon as they take
Israel’s total destruction off the table.
Now, I know, when it comes to my foreign policy of peace, democracy and loving
yourself as much as your neighbor does himself, there are some naysayers in
this country who say “nay.” But, where you say “nay?” I say, “hey, how’s it
going?” And many brave people with purple fingers say “hey” back, but it’s in a
different language so I can’t quite catch all of it. It’s awesome-inspiring.
I suppose that makes me an optometrist. Some people look at a glass and wonder
if it’s half-empty or half-full of it. I always know it’s half-full of it.
Now, in order to protect our great Homeland and to allow it to prosper, I ask
Congress to do two things: make my tax cuts permanent and re-authorize the
Many of my opponents have unfairly said my tax cuts are biased because rich
people save the most. Well, a-heh-heh (Karl. People love it when I wink and
laugh.), any economist knows that rich people have the most money to save
because they have the most money. (Karl. Is this redundant or smart?)
They, then, take their savings and put it back into our great economy, creating
new jobs for house servants, valets, car detailers, and tennis pros.
And don’t forget the backbone of our country, the small businesses run by
entremanures. My tax cuts guarantee them savings when they expand their temp
services, limousine services and landscaping enterprises.
As some of you know, the world changed after 9/11 and, since the creation of
The Department of Homeland Security, we have not been attacked a second time.
Sure, a lot of other countries have, but they don’t have Homeland Security
departments. We do. They don’t. That simple.
Remember, these evildoers we are fighting never sleep. Their vision is dark and
dim and they never have their eyes checked. Like the Tin Woodsman in ‘The
Wizard of Oz,’ they have no hearts. They don’t even have tin. They kill
innocent men, women, children and bunnies (Karl. I guess I’m just in a bunny
mood today.). In order to save the children and bunnies, I ask Congress to make
Homeland Security a bastardion of our country.
The War on Global Terror will last a bazillion years. In Iraq alone, we’re
battling “rejectionists,” “poo-pooers,” “al Qaeda,” “foreign fighters,” “local
fighters,” “commuters,” “Baathists,” “Showerists,” and Venutians. We have to be
vigilant. We have to stand tall in the saddle.
Now, I know I have my critics because of the war and Homeland Security, and I
know this is an election year but, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I extend a
fig towards the opposition and say, if I may use Latin? “Ix-nay.”
Every bad thing you say about the War on Global Terror makes the evil-doers
laugh and our soldiers cry. Think about it.
So, in closing, in this coming year, we must not look back. We must look in the
opposite direction. We must jog on the treadmill of hope towards a more
peaceful and zesty future. The road somewhere will be long and, maybe, lumpy.
But it’s up to us, as pothole filling patriots, to keep that road alive and
well. And tread upon it as we do ourselves.
As Franklin Deleanor Roosevelt once said: “We have nothing to fear but fear
itself.” So, smile and be afraid. I’m in charge.
God bless me. God bless Mommy and Daddy. And Barney. God bless all Americans.
God bless der Homeland.